✔️ Explaining to My Wife the Benefits of Owning a Giant Size Godzilla
Editor's Note: Ordinarily, my blog is comprised entirely of poorly placed pictures combined with a scattered collection of anecdotes loosely based on a single theme or concept. Often times I will digress to the point where there is no longer any semblance of a coherent conclusion whereupon I will hit "Publish" and go to bed.
EXPLAINING TO MY WIFE THE BENEFITS OF OWNING A GIANT SIZE GODZILLA FIGURE
Some days I feel a state of constant despair when I consider all that is asked of me to perform my best as a husband, a father, a store manager, and the occasional Extreme Couponer. Whenever I get down on myself and feel like I am just not measuring up to the level society tells me I should be I go to the Kmart close to my store and remind myself life could be far worse.
When Obi Wan Kenobi is looking out over Mos Eisley and says to Luke Skywalker, "Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy" what you don't know is director George Lucas cut the rest of the line - "...and we had better not go to Kmart; the droids there will cut you."
I walk around this particular Kmart and it is an immediate self esteem boost for me as long as I don't get shanked in the parking lot. The parking lot itself is its own little adventure. My previous trip I did not use the painted lines on the ground to determine where to park my vehicle, but rather which parking place had the least amount of broken glass and used Black & Mild tips. As soon as you walk into the store you can't help but be discouraged. There are filthily dressed people screaming at kids and using profane language as they run into displays and knock merchandise to the floor with nary an attempt to pick it up. Also, the customers ain't that great either.
But the employees deserve to be somewhat frazzled; especially the ones who have to man the frontlines of customer service without the use of tranquilizer darts.
Customer: "Can I just get store credit?"
Customer Service Rep: "We can't even scan this at our register. 'Mainstays' is a Walmart brand."
Customer: "Well what if I find my receipt?"
And this little gem.....
Scenario 2 (Checkout)
Customer: "....So you aren't going to honor the price on the shelf?"
Cashier: "I can't sell you a 12 pack of Coke for a dollar a piece."
Customer: "Well, you get to put all these back then." (Leaves cart and walks out of store.)
And although that last customer deserved to be torn apart slowly by wolves, I can attest that sometimes there is confusion in the aisles (prices and organization) based on the fact that the shelves look like they have been stocked by angry toddlers wearing Hulk Hands. The daily appearance of the store's condition is a combination of Walmart's stationary aisle the day before school starts and Big Lots on any given day of the calendar year.
In no greater place is this chaos demonstrated than in the toy section. It was here that I saw the sight that you see below, except I was not walking around Kmart drunk (I cannot speak on behalf of all shoppers). I apologize for the quality of picture taken with my outdated phone. It has as many megapixels as a ViewMaster someone salvaged from an old flooded basement.
I am not sure how exactly I reacted when I saw a Godzilla figure the size of a small dresser, but it was both loud and obscene which was highly noticed in a store where the only sound heard is that of floor tile cracking beneath your feet. My reaction had to have been distracting because whatever I said got the guttersnipe children in the next aisle over to stop stealing Pokemon cards and come see what the commotion was all about. Now, normally I keep very well read on such important matters as limited edition figures; however, I must have been preoccupied with other distractions (work and raising a family) to have been keen to this release.
The issue was not whether or not I wanted it, because in a life before my glorious mortgage payment I would have blacked out and woken up in a field the next day with three of these. My immediate thought was $70 or higher which meant that I was walking out of the Kmart with no Giant Size Godzilla. Then I thought $50 would be much closer on the Barometer of Acceptability an adult male with no child present should be paying for a large plastic monster. The little sticker on the front said $39.99 but what I saw next put me over the edge of glory unlike anything Lady Gaga could ever have imagined.
If you unfocus your eyes and pretend the image above is one of those Magic Eye pictures you may be able to see the cost of the figure: $33.99. So, not only was it half of my original guess, but I also had a $10 off ANY purchase over $20 coupon PLUS I had Kmart cash to redeem on my rewards card which meant I was going to walk out with this figure for about $18. Which caused Godzilla and I to have a killer dance party......
So with a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound, I picked up the mighty box and made my way to the front checkout where the cashier commented, "I am sure this is going to make someone really happy" which I verified with a quick yes and avoided eye contact for the remainder of the transaction. I knew it was going to make one person very happy (me) while making another person very upset (my wife).
I stood there in the parking lot, quickly trying to fit the giant box into the tiny doors on my vehicle before becoming a missing person when a thought occurred: My wife will disapprove this purchase and I should probably walk back into the store and return it. I know she doesn't really approve spending outside our budget let alone on something like this. I don't expect her to respect or like my hobbies, but she at least has to understand them enough to know that this crap was on "the brochure" when we got married and she said "yes".
Take for instance the other day. I showed her the trailer to the new Godzilla movie and after a few seconds of painful silence she asked a very good question for someone who has never seen the big guy's movies:
"So I don't get it. Is Godzilla good or bad?"
To this I unhesitatingly responded, "Rachel, Godzilla does whatever [*Godzilla Roar*] he wants."
So once I got home it took me entirely way too much time and cutting devices to remove Godzilla from the box; however, I am proud of myself for never having to refer to the assembly instructions.
Not once!!!
Immediately I realized that this wasn't just a toy. Godzilla should not be some wedge between us but should make our lives better. Godzilla can destroy a city, but he can build our marriage stronger. Here are just a few of the ways Godzilla can earn his keep around here.
What you see here is a common sight in our home. There is nothing more infuriating than popping down for a quality squat only to realize after "showtime" that there is not a square to spare. What makes me so upset is that we have three bathrooms in our house and sometimes a certain someone will feign the responsibility of replacing the roll once more by going into a different restroom.
Godzilla can hold at least two rolls. Therefore - in theory - if the roll on the paper holder is full than this gives us three times the paper. My only hope is that a giant monster in the bathroom does not have a negative effect on our son's potty training.
Future Scenario
Psychologist: "Now please think again. Is there any reason you can think of as to why your son would be afraid to use the restroom?"
Me: "I got nothin."
I don't know about some schmuck who went to school for almost a decade to see me three minutes twice a year, but when the King of the Monsters says to floss you bet your sweet bippy those teeth are getting flossed.
Furthermore, here is a categorized breakdown of what Sunday afternoons looks like in this household:
Spring/Summer Fall/Winter
1. Come home from church 1. Come home from church
2. Watch the Royals lose 2. Watch the Chiefs lose
3. Take a nap 3. Take a nap
I cannot enjoy my post-loss nap with all of these shenanigans going on at all hours of the day (and sometimes night).
I do not have any data to support this, but I feel like when I go to the window, raise a single blind, and snoop that the neighbors see this and start to wind it down. My hope is that by putting Godzilla on neighborhood watch the from 1pm to 5pm that everyone in this household should be able to sleep.
"Let me outside. I need to piss and then bark at squirrels, rabbits, other dogs, and the wind."
This inevitably will wake up my wife who will then be in a bad mood the rest of the day. I cannot say she is an early riser on account that she has never seen 'Good Morning America' because it ends at 9am.
I have installed Godzilla on our roof similar to one of those 'Creepy Owls' that people put in their yards to deter various forms of wildlife in addition to people who may just not like owls. My hope is that the incessant barking will become less of an issue if wildlife is afraid to come into our yard.
I know it is working because I have yet to see any critters in our yard. Also, Bentley doesn't know what to do but stare at it in either fear or worship. I call that a Win-Win.
Quick Aside: I see the neighbor whose backyard is facing mine about twice a year. Today he saw me putting a giant Godzilla on my roof. About 9 months ago he watched me knock down a wasp nest with a gas-powdered trimmer and then frantically run into the house.
Once again: Win -Win
I used to have a Hank Hill-style obligation to my yard. As of late, how green is my front lawn is the absolute smallest worry that I have in life.
I don't want to bad mouth a company so I will use the inverse to refer to them. The FalsRed man comes to my house at least once a week and knocks on the door during dinner time to remind me that my yard should be entirely green and lush. I asked him what he would recommend that I do and apparently I am doing everything right except I am not writing him checks once a month. I told him we cannot afford it at this time.
The next day I come home and FalsRed pamphlets have been shoved into the crack of my door.
A few days later I am actually mowing my dirt when another FalsRed representative tries to talk to me. I again expressed that I am not interested. Time to call in the big guns....
By my best guess, there is only one spot in the yard that I think these FalsRed representatives are looking at when they come to bother me. My theory is that Godzilla standing in the spot is going to be such an awkward conversation that he wouldn't dare try coming and talking to me about my lawn.
FalsRed Man: "Sir, let me tell you about our summer special."
Me: "I appreciate it, but Godzilla and I have worked very hard to get the landscaping on par to his indigenous home of Monster Island."
FalsRed Man: "Umm...well we could service your yard without having to move..."
Me: "YOU SIR HAVE INSULTED MY INTEGRITY. Please peddle your poison to yonder screaming children. Good day."
One can decipher two things from this photo taken of the floor of my vehicle's passenger side:
1) I poop Energon
2) I may need more than 5 hours of sleep a night
I usually need the drinks the most going to work and then making the drive home. Therefore, I am going to have Godzilla ride shotgun to serve as my Carpool/Accountability Partner.
The results are actually working as I have not had any caffeinated beverages on my way to work this week. I sometimes picture Godzilla talking in a Mitch Hedberg style voice at which point I cannot fall asleep due to the laughter that ensues:
Godzilla Mitch: "Hey man...you think we can stop for McDonald's breakfast? It's like 10:25 and they're about to shut dat crap down. The clown is making scarcity and that is not cool. I don't wanna be eatin' last call hash browns. Let me speak to Grimace. He's keeping that Hamburglar off the grill.."
My son has learned that he is no longer restricted to just what he can reach. All of the expensive baby gates that we have installed are no longer ways of stopping the child; just slowing down the inevitable. Not only is he able to climb on existing structures, but the child can construct a ladder out of any item if he deems the situation necessary.
One night I had some late night potato chips and did not put the bag under lock and key when I was done. The bag was opened and on the counter the next morning. When my son woke up from his bed he picked up the scent like a famished bloodhound and made his way to the kitchen. From my bed - where I was sleeping and wanted to stay that way - I heard him take the bar stools off the table and push them across the floor to the kitchen counter. By the time I made my way to the kitchen he had climbed up the bar stool and had the bag of chips on his lap.
He knows he can get into big trouble for this so when I stood there looking at him with disapproval in my eyes, my son - and I know he is my son because of how he reacted to my presence - reaches into the bag and says "Chip" as he holds one out for me to eat.
Although I do enjoy not having to get my own chips, The Boy can't be doing this kind of stuff and since I cannot be here all day to keep him from doing it I am going to need a part-time babysitter.
15 minutes of Godzilla on the counter has yielded 15 minutes of no climbing. I am throwing away all baby gates and replacing them with Giant Monsters.
Today's blog entry will be no different.
EXPLAINING TO MY WIFE THE BENEFITS OF OWNING A GIANT SIZE GODZILLA FIGURE
Some days I feel a state of constant despair when I consider all that is asked of me to perform my best as a husband, a father, a store manager, and the occasional Extreme Couponer. Whenever I get down on myself and feel like I am just not measuring up to the level society tells me I should be I go to the Kmart close to my store and remind myself life could be far worse.
When Obi Wan Kenobi is looking out over Mos Eisley and says to Luke Skywalker, "Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy" what you don't know is director George Lucas cut the rest of the line - "...and we had better not go to Kmart; the droids there will cut you."
But the employees deserve to be somewhat frazzled; especially the ones who have to man the frontlines of customer service without the use of tranquilizer darts.
Actual Dialogue Heard Entering The Store:
Scenario 1 (Customer Service Desk)
Customer Service Rep: "Sir, you can't return this item here. We do not carry this brand in any of our stores."Customer: "Can I just get store credit?"
Customer Service Rep: "We can't even scan this at our register. 'Mainstays' is a Walmart brand."
Customer: "Well what if I find my receipt?"
And this little gem.....
Scenario 2 (Checkout)
Customer: "....So you aren't going to honor the price on the shelf?"
Cashier: "I can't sell you a 12 pack of Coke for a dollar a piece."
Customer: "Well, you get to put all these back then." (Leaves cart and walks out of store.)
And although that last customer deserved to be torn apart slowly by wolves, I can attest that sometimes there is confusion in the aisles (prices and organization) based on the fact that the shelves look like they have been stocked by angry toddlers wearing Hulk Hands. The daily appearance of the store's condition is a combination of Walmart's stationary aisle the day before school starts and Big Lots on any given day of the calendar year.
In no greater place is this chaos demonstrated than in the toy section. It was here that I saw the sight that you see below, except I was not walking around Kmart drunk (I cannot speak on behalf of all shoppers). I apologize for the quality of picture taken with my outdated phone. It has as many megapixels as a ViewMaster someone salvaged from an old flooded basement.
I am not sure how exactly I reacted when I saw a Godzilla figure the size of a small dresser, but it was both loud and obscene which was highly noticed in a store where the only sound heard is that of floor tile cracking beneath your feet. My reaction had to have been distracting because whatever I said got the guttersnipe children in the next aisle over to stop stealing Pokemon cards and come see what the commotion was all about. Now, normally I keep very well read on such important matters as limited edition figures; however, I must have been preoccupied with other distractions (work and raising a family) to have been keen to this release.
The issue was not whether or not I wanted it, because in a life before my glorious mortgage payment I would have blacked out and woken up in a field the next day with three of these. My immediate thought was $70 or higher which meant that I was walking out of the Kmart with no Giant Size Godzilla. Then I thought $50 would be much closer on the Barometer of Acceptability an adult male with no child present should be paying for a large plastic monster. The little sticker on the front said $39.99 but what I saw next put me over the edge of glory unlike anything Lady Gaga could ever have imagined.
If you unfocus your eyes and pretend the image above is one of those Magic Eye pictures you may be able to see the cost of the figure: $33.99. So, not only was it half of my original guess, but I also had a $10 off ANY purchase over $20 coupon PLUS I had Kmart cash to redeem on my rewards card which meant I was going to walk out with this figure for about $18. Which caused Godzilla and I to have a killer dance party......
So with a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound, I picked up the mighty box and made my way to the front checkout where the cashier commented, "I am sure this is going to make someone really happy" which I verified with a quick yes and avoided eye contact for the remainder of the transaction. I knew it was going to make one person very happy (me) while making another person very upset (my wife).
I stood there in the parking lot, quickly trying to fit the giant box into the tiny doors on my vehicle before becoming a missing person when a thought occurred: My wife will disapprove this purchase and I should probably walk back into the store and return it. I know she doesn't really approve spending outside our budget let alone on something like this. I don't expect her to respect or like my hobbies, but she at least has to understand them enough to know that this crap was on "the brochure" when we got married and she said "yes".
Take for instance the other day. I showed her the trailer to the new Godzilla movie and after a few seconds of painful silence she asked a very good question for someone who has never seen the big guy's movies:
"So I don't get it. Is Godzilla good or bad?"
To this I unhesitatingly responded, "Rachel, Godzilla does whatever [*Godzilla Roar*] he wants."
On that very thought, one more piece of trash was added to the Kmart parking lot when I Queen Elsa-style let my receipt blow away singing "Let it go."
"Godzilla"
(Sung to Frozen's "Let it Go")
The blood will flow red, I'll surely be dead,
if this giant toy is seen.
The King of the Monsters was purchased,
and I know my wife will scream.
Big K can suck it for their amazing low, low price.
Couldn't pass it up. Sorry, Dave Ramsey...no dice.
Don't spend that dough, just know your role,
be the grown up you should already be.
Conceal, don't feel like you need to write a blog post......
WELL NOW SHE KNOWS!!!!
Godzilla!!! Godzilla!!!
I promise to not buy any more.
Godzilla!!! Godzilla!!!
Unless they release a King Ghidorah.
I don't care
what she's going to say.
Let the fight rage on.
The couch never bothered me anyway.
It’s funny how I thought two coupons would make everything
alright.
I’m gonna go with “No” after a 72 hour fight.
I don’t like to hear that I was wrong,
It sounds even more pathetic put to song.
[Wife ] “I’m right. You’re Wrong. Of this I insist”
WELL I’M PISSED!!!
Godzilla!!! Godzilla!!!
Please eat my wallet for sure
Godzilla!!! Godzilla!!!
Because this month is Transformers 4
I don’t have enough cash for this crap
Let the coupons clip on
So once I got home it took me entirely way too much time and cutting devices to remove Godzilla from the box; however, I am proud of myself for never having to refer to the assembly instructions.
Not once!!!
Immediately I realized that this wasn't just a toy. Godzilla should not be some wedge between us but should make our lives better. Godzilla can destroy a city, but he can build our marriage stronger. Here are just a few of the ways Godzilla can earn his keep around here.
The Problem: Perpetually Empty Toilet Paper Tubes
What you see here is a common sight in our home. There is nothing more infuriating than popping down for a quality squat only to realize after "showtime" that there is not a square to spare. What makes me so upset is that we have three bathrooms in our house and sometimes a certain someone will feign the responsibility of replacing the roll once more by going into a different restroom.
The Solution: Godzilla
Godzilla can hold at least two rolls. Therefore - in theory - if the roll on the paper holder is full than this gives us three times the paper. My only hope is that a giant monster in the bathroom does not have a negative effect on our son's potty training.
Future Scenario
Psychologist: "Now please think again. Is there any reason you can think of as to why your son would be afraid to use the restroom?"
Me: "I got nothin."
The Problem: Flossing Daily
I know we own floss. I know where it is. I know how to use it. When the dentist asks how often I floss I typically give him a response that uses a lot of words in place of "No."The Solution: Godzilla
I don't know about some schmuck who went to school for almost a decade to see me three minutes twice a year, but when the King of the Monsters says to floss you bet your sweet bippy those teeth are getting flossed.
The Problem: Neighbors Cannot Function At An Appropriate Decibel
I loved being outside as a child. I enjoyed running around, riding bikes, playing with water balloons, etc. I was able to do all of these things without screaming for the entire duration I was outdoors. I don't know what it is about putting my son down for a nap that makes every child come outside of their homes and scream. One day I went to go get the mail and witnessed one of the neighbor children standing in her front yard and screaming at every car that drove past her. I encourage children to put down electronic devices and get outside, but if this is what they are going to do than I say give them all smart phones and let's turn this place into the second half of Wall-E.Furthermore, here is a categorized breakdown of what Sunday afternoons looks like in this household:
Spring/Summer Fall/Winter
1. Come home from church 1. Come home from church
2. Watch the Royals lose 2. Watch the Chiefs lose
3. Take a nap 3. Take a nap
I cannot enjoy my post-loss nap with all of these shenanigans going on at all hours of the day (and sometimes night).
The Solution: Godzilla
I do not have any data to support this, but I feel like when I go to the window, raise a single blind, and snoop that the neighbors see this and start to wind it down. My hope is that by putting Godzilla on neighborhood watch the from 1pm to 5pm that everyone in this household should be able to sleep.
The Problem: Unwanted Creatures in the Backyard
I don't speak dog, but if I did I know exactly what my dog Bentley is thinking when he wakes me up in the morning at 7am:"Let me outside. I need to piss and then bark at squirrels, rabbits, other dogs, and the wind."
This inevitably will wake up my wife who will then be in a bad mood the rest of the day. I cannot say she is an early riser on account that she has never seen 'Good Morning America' because it ends at 9am.
The Solution: Godzilla
I have installed Godzilla on our roof similar to one of those 'Creepy Owls' that people put in their yards to deter various forms of wildlife in addition to people who may just not like owls. My hope is that the incessant barking will become less of an issue if wildlife is afraid to come into our yard.
I know it is working because I have yet to see any critters in our yard. Also, Bentley doesn't know what to do but stare at it in either fear or worship. I call that a Win-Win.
Quick Aside: I see the neighbor whose backyard is facing mine about twice a year. Today he saw me putting a giant Godzilla on my roof. About 9 months ago he watched me knock down a wasp nest with a gas-powdered trimmer and then frantically run into the house.
Once again: Win -Win
The Problem: Unwanted Creatures In The Front Yard
I used to have a Hank Hill-style obligation to my yard. As of late, how green is my front lawn is the absolute smallest worry that I have in life.
I don't want to bad mouth a company so I will use the inverse to refer to them. The FalsRed man comes to my house at least once a week and knocks on the door during dinner time to remind me that my yard should be entirely green and lush. I asked him what he would recommend that I do and apparently I am doing everything right except I am not writing him checks once a month. I told him we cannot afford it at this time.
The next day I come home and FalsRed pamphlets have been shoved into the crack of my door.
A few days later I am actually mowing my dirt when another FalsRed representative tries to talk to me. I again expressed that I am not interested. Time to call in the big guns....
The Solution: Godzilla
By my best guess, there is only one spot in the yard that I think these FalsRed representatives are looking at when they come to bother me. My theory is that Godzilla standing in the spot is going to be such an awkward conversation that he wouldn't dare try coming and talking to me about my lawn.
FalsRed Man: "Sir, let me tell you about our summer special."
Me: "I appreciate it, but Godzilla and I have worked very hard to get the landscaping on par to his indigenous home of Monster Island."
FalsRed Man: "Umm...well we could service your yard without having to move..."
Me: "YOU SIR HAVE INSULTED MY INTEGRITY. Please peddle your poison to yonder screaming children. Good day."
The Problem: I Need 500mg of Caffeine A Day Just To Feel Normal
One can decipher two things from this photo taken of the floor of my vehicle's passenger side:
1) I poop Energon
2) I may need more than 5 hours of sleep a night
The Solution: Godzilla
I usually need the drinks the most going to work and then making the drive home. Therefore, I am going to have Godzilla ride shotgun to serve as my Carpool/Accountability Partner.
The results are actually working as I have not had any caffeinated beverages on my way to work this week. I sometimes picture Godzilla talking in a Mitch Hedberg style voice at which point I cannot fall asleep due to the laughter that ensues:
Godzilla Mitch: "Hey man...you think we can stop for McDonald's breakfast? It's like 10:25 and they're about to shut dat crap down. The clown is making scarcity and that is not cool. I don't wanna be eatin' last call hash browns. Let me speak to Grimace. He's keeping that Hamburglar off the grill.."
The Problem: Unruly Children
My son has learned that he is no longer restricted to just what he can reach. All of the expensive baby gates that we have installed are no longer ways of stopping the child; just slowing down the inevitable. Not only is he able to climb on existing structures, but the child can construct a ladder out of any item if he deems the situation necessary.
One night I had some late night potato chips and did not put the bag under lock and key when I was done. The bag was opened and on the counter the next morning. When my son woke up from his bed he picked up the scent like a famished bloodhound and made his way to the kitchen. From my bed - where I was sleeping and wanted to stay that way - I heard him take the bar stools off the table and push them across the floor to the kitchen counter. By the time I made my way to the kitchen he had climbed up the bar stool and had the bag of chips on his lap.
He knows he can get into big trouble for this so when I stood there looking at him with disapproval in my eyes, my son - and I know he is my son because of how he reacted to my presence - reaches into the bag and says "Chip" as he holds one out for me to eat.
Although I do enjoy not having to get my own chips, The Boy can't be doing this kind of stuff and since I cannot be here all day to keep him from doing it I am going to need a part-time babysitter.
The Solution: Godzilla
15 minutes of Godzilla on the counter has yielded 15 minutes of no climbing. I am throwing away all baby gates and replacing them with Giant Monsters.
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