WWF Wrestlemania VHS Board Game

I have grown up with wrestling being a huge part of my life from back before I was knee high to a jabroni. To this day, I don't think my older brother has ever hugged me; however, he has violently Ric Flair chopped me across the chest as a formal greeting of endearment for years. (Even on my wedding day, there were some knife-edged chops coming at me on the dance floor. Woooo!) There is a very good possibility that I did not miss a single pay-per-view (WWE or WCW) between 1993 through the summer of 1999. In fact, I was hosting Nitro Parties long before it was cool to have large groups of people come over and watch professional wrestling (Guys, just go with me on what will be our working definition of the word "cool" for the remainder of the blog post).

I watched live the night Stone Cold Steve Austin beat Jake "The Snake" Roberts - the night Austin 3:16 was born. I watched the night Hulk Hogan told the fans to "Stick It" when the New World Order formed. I watched live the night of the infamous Montreal Screwjob between HBK and Bret Hart at Survivor Series. I watched live when Undertaker threw Mankind off the top of the Hell in a Cell at the 1998 King of the Ring (Best Commentator Line Ever by Jim Ross: "As God as my witness, he is broken in half.") I watched in great disbelief the night Goldberg's streak ended to Kevin Nash at Starrcade. 

Then, it stopped. 

My family moved to a different state and my parents made the decision to not get cable which meant I could no longer feed the beast that was inevitably consuming my existence. I explained to them that 4-Life doesn't stop at eighth grade, but my cries fell upon deaf ears. All my Monday night heroes and I parted ways like Raven's Flock.

But wrestling in our household didn't go away entirely. I began wrestling in high school.

It was a little bit different than what I was used to on Monday nights. (The referees actually paid attention.) I wrestled all through high school and never once saw someone get power-bombed through the Spanish Announcement Table nor did I ever see a Spanish Announcement Table. The training was intense and I really felt like I was in the best condition of my life. My body fat percentage was extremely low, I had increased agility, incredible muscular endurance, and great amounts of stamina; All of these thoughts were running through my head while I was getting pinned by someone who was simply better at wrestling.

The Act-Your-Age Outlaws

Well it was approximately my junior year where I realized I would be in that potential "elite" of high school students that were deemed JV Superstars - athletes who were just missing those one or two pieces they needed to be great. (For me those two pieces were "Heart" and "Talent".) I thought about not returning to wrestle my senior year and then I was invited to watch WrestleMania 19 with some friends which would have been the first telecast of wrestling I had seen whatsoever for well over four years. It was just something about that night of watching high profile matches that got me addicted....again. Even though the wrestling I loved now had far fewer chair shots and two-and-a-half counts, I truly missed the wrestling that made me want to wrestle in high school.  We got cable that year and I have been watching ever since making sure to make an imbecile of myself wherever and whenever possible as you can see:

Here is when I thought I could cut it with Evolution as a fifth member. If Triple H was the top wrestler of the present, and if Ric Flair was the best of the past, and if Randy Orton and Batista were the future  - than certainly I could be the person who could carry all of their luggage.

I don't know what Homecoming date I disappointed by asking her to the dance, but I kept this picture of me and the car we did not take.

We saw Hogan as we were getting off Splash Mountain at Disney World. I know we are close because he called me 'Brother'.

This was at Kansas City World of Wheels before Cena hit it big at WrestleMania XX. Cena's arms were huge. (I'm the one on the left.)

We've got two words for ya: Filthy Dorm

Well, in case you haven't noticed, wrestling is not what it used to be in terms of being cool (Remember, we had this discussion earlier about the word "cool". I promise you it was.) It just seems that I could honestly take it or leave it these days. One night I actually gave up on Monday Night Raw and willingly watched The Bachelor with my wife. Except for WrestleMania season, the highs are never too high and the lows are pretty darn D-Lo. Sometimes, I will watch a two hour Smackdown in under 15 minutes thanks to the power of my DVR. There was a year where literally every broadcast had a 6-Man Tag match with little signs of cohesion or even character development. Furthermore, it seems that the hardest workers who are the most entertaining to watch get buried on the card because someone else can sell T-Shirts better. My friend, Tom, knows I am obsessed with wrestling and will occasionally hassle me by asking, "Hey, are the guys who are big right now the same guys who were big when we were in junior high?" (Fifteen years ago)

To this I will defend myself with a lengthy response where I reach for some valid points in place of just saying the following: "Yes."




Lately I have been getting involved in exclusively giving my money to the guys working in the indie circuit. Smackdown rolled through here last week and I would rather pay to see guys who are going to make me stand and cheer because I want to, not because I am supposed to. If you have never had a chance to check out these events they are guaranteed to be somewhere in your hometown. You aren't going to see thousands in attendance. You aren't going to see tremendous theatrics, mic skills, or pyrotechnics. But you are going to see something I don't see on Monday and Thursday nights and that is passion. These guys do this because they love it and their paycheck is no way a reflection of how hard they have to manage training, travel, and competing on top of full time jobs. (If you stick around long enough you'll see that they are the ones who take the ring down when the show is over and sell their own merchandise.)

I have been so impressed that when I train at the gym I am trying to modify my work outs so that I may actually start training to compete.

Imagine me......as a wrestler. Actually competing in local matches.

Can I 'Hulk' up and just go for it? Do I have what it takes?

Can I make it happen? Will I have more yellow shirts to rip?

 -STAY TUNED-

But with WrestleMania approaching Sunday I am going to need something to rekindle my inner fan because if you are following the Internet rumors it will either be the greatest spectacle ever put on or the biggest disappointment. So because of this, I am going to go back to a time when professional wrestling was cool (I promise guys....) And to do this we are going to fire up the ol' WABAC Machine to review the VCR WrestleMania Game  I found it at a thrift store years ago and have been waiting to get it out for the right time and - even though you can't see me - my time is now.....




I purchased this for $3 a few years ago. At our most recent garage sale my wife had mistaken this as something that we didn't need. She tried to get rid of this under the audacious assumption that just because I had never played it before meant that I was never going to play with it ever. I remember walking through our garage sale spread and being mortified that this was sitting on a table next to tiny dog clothes and novelty fish pillows.

This is how the conversation went (in my mind):

Me: "Why do you think it is okay to sell my game?"
Wife: "Because it is--"
Me: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!!"

.....but what really happened was one of the best things you could ever hope to see at a garage sale. In one of the lower points in the marriage, my wife and I were arguing in front of strangers while I was frantically running back into the house looking for a place to hide a child's board game with two men bear hugging on the cover.

Until death......

I cannot remove the garage sale sticker she put on the box for fear that it will destroy the cover. The game is well over twenty years old and too much agitation of the brittle cardboard will cause it to disintegrate and blow away in a breeze like an old dandelion.When I look at it I cannot help but wonder about the order in which the tag was filled out by my wife (8$). Even Jake "The Snake" Roberts during his darkest of days would have known to put the dollar sign ($) in front of the numeral.

 

The back of the box is an ode to all things 80's - from the haircuts of the men on the box, to the graphics, to the "Acclaim" logo - just about everything points back to simpler times. Back early in Hulk Hogan's career when he mainly did body slams, headlocks, and then the big boot into the atomic leg drop to end his matches.

I really feel that now matter how many life-changing milestones I get to experience on top of the marvelous sights I get the opportunity to lay eyes upon I will never be excited for anything as much as these two men are to play this VCR board game.

Opening up the box for the first time led me to believe that the main component to The VCR WrestleMania Game was in jeopardy of returning back to the garage sale pile and writing "AS IS" on in which is a sellers way of saying "Buy this and throw it away because it doesn't work." I removed the video cassette from the box in probably the first time in a decade and heard that all-too-familiar noise of what sounds like sand/bugs/free floating debris swirling around in the cassette tape. I don't know what it is about the mechanics of video cassettes that cause them to decay rapidly, but even the most healthy of VHS tapes can wind up destroyed if not kept in temperature controlled air-tight bins underground away from direct sunlight.

It is kind of like an Old School Nintendo where there is no guarantee that the electronic device you want to enjoy - the one in your hand - will actually function. And so I took a deep breath and hoped that the VCR would work and that there would be no complications from when my son put a piece of bread in the VCR. I said that same little prayer I say every December when I get my crate of old VHS Christmas Specials out of the crawl space. (The year I cannot watch "Muppet Family Christmas" will truly be the year without a Santa Claus. I am dead serious.I leave joking to the bears.)  I hold my breath as I can literally hear every gear, belt, and Power Crystal that operates the VCR make the sound of what sounds like a K'NEX motor winding when suddenly.....

For at least one more day the VCR has decided to work. Tomorrow, it could burst into flames or become a time-machine, but today we will watch 1980s wrestling clips.

The game board by itself is just too sweet. The game play takes place inside of a ring and the object -like most board games - is to get your piece from Start to Finish to become the WWF Champion. Before we continue let's take a look at the complexity of the pieces the game comes with:

Did you get that? Or do you need to see it again?

You would think they would try to personalize the game pieces just a little bit more. I am not saying we need to go to the lengths of individually sculpted pewter Monopoly pieces, but I just feel we shouldn't lie, cheat, and be stealing the fans out of such a pivotal part of the game play. It almost looks likes the game's pieces were an extreme after thought and the night before Acclaim was going to ship the games out to stores they realized they forgot to put in game pieces so they went to Cracker Barrel and stole all the game pieces off the dinner tables. 

(I have nothing bad to say about the die other than I still can't come to terms that the plural form of the word is "dice" and its singular form is "death".)

What the WWF VHS WrestleMania lacks in game pieces it makes up for in cards. There are four cards that are designed to make the game play feel like an actual wrestling match.

1. Referee Cards

Virtually this card should be replaced with the top of the card asking "Is the referee paying attention?" to which the opposite side of the card should say "Yes" or "No".

Look at this breakdown of the cards:  

 

Virtually it is 2:1 odds that the ref's back was turned which is down right unfathomable considering his only job is to watch two large men in a 20' by 20' elevated square with a spotlight above it. Also, the art on the Referee Card makes the ref look like Chuck Norris.

You had one job, Chuck





2. Interview Cards

The artwork for the Interview Cards features Not Andre the Giant versus Not Hulk Hogan against each other. The Interview Cards add absolutely no true positive or negative consequences to otherwise well thought out and cohesive gameplay other than they will make the players of the game late to their next activity. (Which - if you are playing WWF VHS WtorestleMania Board Game - you may be able  rule out "date". "Sorry I was late for our date, honey, I drew two interviews cards.") I challenge you to read out loud the following six Interview Cards without laughing and with a straight face as if Mean Gene Okerlund were holding a mic up to your face.

And go....




Now try reading these ones. They are borderline sexual and/or confusing.....








3. Offense Cards

Offense Cards are used to try to score some moves and give the impression that there is action going on during this game.

Two Observations About the artwork for the Offense Cards:

1) I need to do sit ups to the point that they are visible through clothing.
2) Where is Ab Man's right arm?




I guess the answer to my question is either 'Elbow Smash' or 'Closed Fist Punch'.

Counter Move Cards

Counter Move Cards are pretty hysterical all by themselves let alone if you consider the artwork for them looks like Nicholas Cage versus Burt Reynolds.




The Counter Move Cards are pretty anticlimactic; however, they do harness the ability to take this board game to the television set.

It is at this point in the game that you really feel connected to what made the WWE what it is today....the WWF. I know its the same company - just the name may have changed due to legal complications with the World Wildlife Foundation - but it just seems that I watch these clips and I feel overwhelmed with joy.

The VCR segments designate a player a wrestler and then moves are awarded or penalized based on the outcome of the match segment. The wrestler whose name appears in red goes with the RED player's piece and the wrestler whose name appears in blue goes with the BLUE player's piece. (Here is a visual in case you forgot what the game pieces look like.)

The segment ends with the above still frame so that you know when to stop the VHS from playing so as not to give any snippets of what is to come for the next clip.

Hulk Hogan, The Million Dollar Man "Ted DiBiase", Andre the Giant, and The Macho Man Randy Savage are probably used the most because they were obvious fan favorites/heels at the time.

I'm not saying that Dino Bravo and Koko B. Ware's respective in-ring capabilities weren't equally impressive; however, I think Acclaim did a good job of not featuring them exclusively on the cover art.

Overall, I feel the VHS WrestleMania Board Game is a fantastic way to remind you of what made so many millions of current fans fall in love with whatever it is that they are trying to pass off these days. One final note, during the unboxing of the game I found the warranty card that was completely filled out but never mailed.

I have never met Shaun Glasscock of Merriam, Kansas but if I should ever run into him someday I think he would be an excellent opponent to face because we both grew up watching 'Main Events' according to Question #8.

And I am hoping that the six people who read this (up to and including Shaun Glasscock) are not - in fact - lawyers of the WWF (World Wildlife Foundation) who are searching the Internet making sure that their logo is not jeopardized. If you are said lawyers, here's to ya......

Donny
3/26/15