Blazin' Challenge Accepted

There you have it folks. As if I need another shirt to inform the world that I make poor decisions when it comes to how I spend my free time. I have been entertaining the idea for years, but just this past week I actually had the opportunity in Fargo, North Dakota of all places to participate in and - as the Shirt Of Victory implies - survive the Blazin' Challenge of Buffalo Wild Wings. I had to eat 12 Blazin' Hot Wings in six minutes without any presence of beverage, napkins, condiments, or that little voice that says "This is a bad idea." That voice shut up real fast and left town after I started choking these bad boys down.

For my gentlemen readers: If you really want to impress your lady and let her know you are in it for the long run, than you need to take her to a restaurant where the featured item on the menu is depicted on a sliding scale that differentiates taste by Smilin', Sizzlin', and Screamin'. My waitress at BWW told me that you have to sign a waiver before they would allow you to participate in the challenge. Most people would have ordered a salad after hearing that, but that's for people unlike me who want to live to use their senior discount. To me, the waiver clearing the restaurant of any legal responsibility to my health as a result of me making a conscious decision to order an item off their menu that requires a waiver is reminiscent of the Jerry Seinfeld stand up bit where he discusses motorcycle helmets:

 

"There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles. And even that didn't work because not enough people were wearing them so we had to come up with the helmet law. Which is even stupider, the idea behind the helmet law being to preserve a brain whose judgment is so poor, it does not even try to avoid the cracking of the head it's in." - Jerry Seinfeld

Looking back, my waitress never brought me the health waiver to sign. If any medical issues occur I could sue. (No cash settlement. Only more delicious hot wings to eat from my hospital bed.)

So here is the last photo taken of me before the onset of any long, debilitating health issues that I no doubt will experience. As our waitress brought out the wings she felt compelled to mention she had once witnessed the cooks remove corrosion from one of the pipes in the kitchen using the very same Blazin' sauce that they put on the wings. As she told me this story, I wondered why she didn't tell this to me before I placed my final order for the wings as opposed to as she was bringing them out for my immediate consumption. She then asked me if I still wanted to go through with the challenge and I felt like saying, "You had me at corrosion."

 

The timer was set for six minutes and the challenge began. As you can see from the pic above I was very much deep in thought of how I was going to do accomplish this challenge. Believe it or not, I did have a strategy beyond that of "Eat dem der wings fast m'kay". The wings were BONE IN so I couldn't just go into Cookie Monster Mode because I would choke to death on bones and be held responsible for such actions not having signed the waiver. I started with the wings first over the drumsticks because they took the longest time to pick clean. (Per the waitress, there could be no meat left on any of the bones.) They were also the most painful because they involved my lips to be exposed to the Blazin' sauce the longest. After about my second wing my nose started running. I couldn't wipe my nose because I wasn't allowed to use a napkin and my hands looked like I had been finger painting fire trucks onto a canvas all day. I knew all would be over if this sauce got in my nose or - worse yet - my eyeball. Little known fact, that's how Scott Summers got his powers. If you don't know who Scott Summer is than here's to you:

 

Running Theory: If I get Blazin' sauce in my eyes I will either become leader of the X-Men, or a surly man who has to wear an eye patch whose not allowed in Buffalo Wild Wings anymore. I'm not willing to roll that dice.

 

I'm not going to lie. The wings aren't the hottest sauce I've ever had, but they definitely aren't for everyone. Twice I've had like 3-4 Blazin' wings brought to me just to try them and twice someone at my table tried the sauce and went running to the restroom.

I'm sure for every 10 people who have done this challenge there has to be one person who fails due to either heat/quantity/death. I feel like the biggest struggle was the fact that I had to eat a hot wing every 30 seconds. This would have proven difficult even if they weren't designed for pain.

 

At approximately 35 seconds left to go I started my last wing. My coach/timer informed me that I was almost through. 

 

 

"Hearts on Fire" from Rocky IV started playing in my mind, but instead of me doing pull ups in a barn training to avenge the death of Apollo Creed while honoring my country I was a guy trying to eat hot wings in a hurry, so I changed the lyrics to "Butts on Fire".

"Cool Hand Luke" rules applied in that I had to have swallowed the last of the wings and be DONE at the six minute mark. I succeeded and looked around for the waitress to be there to celebrate my victory, but she was helping another table. So I sat in a "burn out" not touching my drink, napkins, ranch dressing, or my other six parmesan garlic wings (Yes...I ate more wings on top of the challenge.) When she did come over, she took my picture and asked me what shirt size I was.

 

Sweet..but burning victory was mine.

 

When I told people I had defeated the challenge they all just about had the same reaction; that reaction of course being, "What did it do to your stomach?" and "I'm glad I'm not staying in your house tonight." I'm not going to sit here and describe to you in detail the pains my lower extremities went through because that would be of poor taste. Instead, I offer you these Steven Seagal movie posters whose titles more than validate what I put my body through for this (hardly) free shirt. 

All in all, it was a great experience and I really want to thank Buffalo Wild Wings. Not only did I get a free shirt and lose about 10 pounds over a period of three days, but I also got some inspiration for some amazing Christmas cards.